More Drama

So, you have texted me all day, wondering where we are going to end up. I don't know where we are going to end up. I seriously am not ready to make that decision. I just want to move out. I want to be out on my own and to support myself. You call me self-centered and self-righteous. Maybe I am, but maybe that is how I need to be right now. Maybe I need to worry about myself a little bit and not about anything other than my kids. You say that you love me, that you want to be with me, that you miss me, but you had every opportunity to show me the love that you had for me, and you didn't when I was there. You never wanted to spend time with me. You never took an interest in me, intimately or otherwise. But now that I am gone, that is all that you want. I don't have those feelings for you anymore, and I am not ready to tell you that yet... I am not ready to tell you that I don't love you anymore. We have 2 beautiful children together, and they are my world and have been my world since God placed them here. You asked me tonight if the last 4 years were just a waste of time, and I told you that you still didn't get me, you still didn't understand that I have no regrets about my past or my present. I have done some ridiculously stupid things in my past, things that I hope no one else decides to ever do, but if I had not done them, then I would not be here. I have learned a lot about myself in the last 4 years, a lot about my children, and a lot about you. I don't ever wish to change that. We did have some good times, we really did, but toward the end, those good times were few and far between. I deserve better, and quite frankly so do you. I just think right now you are too hurt to even see that. I know that you have done a lot for me, especially with watching the kids since I left, and I appreciate it. But, just because you do this does not make me change my mind. I know what I want. Part of me wishes that I still wanted to be with you, that I still had the feelings that I had when we first got together, but another part of me doesn't want to change where I am at. I cannot force myself to feel something for you. All I have done is pretend to have these feelings for you for the last year, and I realized that it was all just a lie and those feelings do not exist anymore. I don't know where we will end up, I really don't. I am going to take this one day, one step and one breath at a time, and where the Lord wants me, he will place me.