From June 29th, 2010

I keep thinking about all of this. Yesterday was really hard, because I couldn't stop thinking about you. I couldn't stop thinking about the conversation we had the night before. I didn't know what to do. I felt so alone yesterday. Absolutely alone. I know that I am not, but sometimes I can't help but feel that way. I know that you will be there for me, that you will always be there when I need you the most. I don't want to break down my barriers for you. I didn't see that they were already falling until I started to feel hurt by the fact that you could hang out with her. I know that if you hang out and went and seen your best friend, I would not get jealous by that because you are in love with her, and I know that she will always come first. I have talked to my best friend from high school about this and she thinks that you are just a player and that I never should have messed around with you. And She is right. She will never come right out and say "I told you so" but that is what she is thinking. I asked you if I was bugging you last night, and you said that I wasn't. I am thinking that I am because I call you all the time and text you all the time and you are not as active about that as you were just a few weeks ago. I woke up this morning with the expectation that I wouldn't here from you at all today. I can't keep setting myself up to be disappointed. I didn't want to answer your call yesterday, but I wanted to hear your voice and I am weak and answered. you called me this morning and I was very honest and told you that I was surprised that I heard from you. I didn't expect you to call, and I really wasn't expecting it at all. but I answered just the same. I think part of that is because you are out of the state. When you get back home, I think I will try my best to ignore you. I don't know if it will work. I need to forget about this and move on. I need to look for someone else who can take over the romantic part of my life, but honestly, I'm not trying to be with anyone right now. That is the last thing I want. I want to get situated and moved out of my ex's and take care of my kids and myself. I want to prove that I am as strong and as independent as I claim to be. And even though we have joked about running off and getting married and moving in together, that just can't happen. For one, neither one of us are serious. yeah, we care for each other more than just friends, but we are not even dating. I was just joking about getting married, but the moving in together, you seemed pretty serious about that because you are losing your place to stay in July. I don't think I can do that. I know that if we were together in the same house, and you went out with girl I would get jealous. I don't need that. And the same way with me, I would feel ackward going out with a guy and bringing a guy over to the house because you are there. You told me last night that you talked to your best friend. You told her that it has been 60 days and she hasn't called you as often as she should, and she isn't even trying to figure things out. She has cut back on drinking, but her deadbeat husband still makes her do more than she should. She said that you can't force her to make a decision, and you said you know, but if she wants to work on her marriage, then the least she could do is tell you and let you go and stop stringing you along. You told me that you have to start thinking about things and you are starting to view things from a different perspective. I am so happy about that. I want you to start living your life and taking care of yourself, and I know that it hurts and that is not what you want, but I am glad that you are making the decisions to move forward with you life. I hope that I am a part of that decision to move forward, but you know, if I'm not, that is okay, as long as you are happy. All I really want is for you to be happy, even if that means that I will eventually leave the picture, as long as you are happy, that is all that matters. I hope we can figure this out. I really do. I am going to try to be more open and just let this relationship go where it should go. I am going to do my best not to force it. I am going to do my best not to look too far into the future and pick us apart before we are even there. I love you, and this is not going to change. I hope that it doesn't change for you.