From June 29th, 2010

So I have been separated from him for 3 weeks now. I took a road trip with our 2 kids to Fl and not once did he call and check up on us, I called him. And then there is you. Why did this happen? We were just having a lot of fun, and now I realize that my feelings for you run a little deeper than I had anticipated. I know that you are in love with your best friend, and that you would love to be with her, but this between us is just getting too complicated. You were in Fl while I was there, and you came back a day early. You told me you would call me on my drive back home and check up on me over my 12 hour drive. You didn't call me until 3am. And come to find out you were hanging out with another woman. If we were just friends, that shouldn't bother me, but I realized that I was jealous. I am not the jealous type. And I realized that I cared for you more than I thought I did. I thought about it a lot. You have said you love me, and I believe that, and I love you, too, but why is it this difficult. I only want the best for you, and I truly do want you to be happy, but I wish that is was me that you wanted to be happy with. When I told you how i felt last night, when I said that I think I have feelings for you more than friendship, you said "Well, thats just the elephant in the room that hasn't been talked about" I asked you if it was mutual, and you said it was, that you have feelings for me that are more than friendship, that is why you talk to me as much as you do, why you talk to me at 3am and what not. I thought you would do that for anyone, so I didn't think that was anything special. You asked me if you fell for this woman, would it be me that I wished you had fell for, and I said yes. You said if I meet someone, and was happy, that you would be happy for me, and I the same way if it was opposite, but that was the difference. If I met somoene, you would not be wishing it was you that I fell for and not the other guy. After I said that, you quickly got off the phone. You have stood me up so many times in the last 2 weeks, its not even funny. You could have met me last night, saw me for 15 minutes, but you decided not to. You weren't working, you were probably hanging out with that new woman that you like. I don't want to do this anymore. I have other things I need to worry about, and falling for someone was not in the books. I need to do this on my own, and even though it makes me feel isolated and alone, there are others who do it everyday, why can't I. You said I am an all or nothing person, and you are right, if you are not in love with me, then we are just friends, and we need to leave it at that. I can't blend the two because it leaves me feeling like I am feeling now. I don't want you to break my heart, but you all ready are breaking it, and you have no clue.