From June 23rd, 2010

I got it in my head today that I would be going to Flordia. And my soon to be ex husband is okay with this. I told him that I wanted to take the kids on a road trip, that I wanted to take the kids to Flordia to see my grandmother. He said he needed a break as well, and it would be good for us. I haven't lived in the house in almost 3 weeks, and we are just now learning how to be civil with each other. He even called his dad and asked for money so I can go. I have already done the calculations, and If I drive all night, it will take me about 12 hours to get there, maybe a little longer. I am so excited and scared at the same time. I told my best friend that I really needed to get out of here, and he understood. He said he knew. He is in Tampa right now, and I think he is thinking that I will go and see him. But he is there on business, and I will be there to sort my life out. I'm falling for this guy, but he is in love with someone else and I am completely supportive of him while he figures out what he is going to do since the woman he is in love with is very, very unhappily married but can't get the guts to leave him. He is so love sick over her, and he will never get over her because he doesn't want to. So I know that nothing could ever develop beyond a friendship with me and him. We have slept together only twice, and yet I can already tell that that aspect of our relationship is very quickly coming to an end. I don't want it to, and it is probably my fault that it will. He keeps telling me that he makes love to women and doesn't just screw them, and I can truly attest to the fact that he does make love. I have never been made love to, and there was a difference between making love and just having sex. Well, I asked him how is it that he could make love to another woman when he was in love with someone else. He told me it was just an expression of our feelings for one another, and that it was a good way for us to help each other and that I deserved to be made love to. I definitely appreciated it. But the next day he told me he had been thinking about it, and that maybe he did need to make a total commitment to her and not make love to me anymore. I told him that I could respect that decision, but it would still be sad and may even hurt, but I could respect that. He makes me feel amazing. He tells me I am amazing, and wonderful, and beautiful, and sexual, and sensuous, and all this things, and yet he doesn't have those feelings for me. How can someone tell you all those things and not have some type of feelings. I am a little torn right now. I confessed to him and told him that when the fun aspect of our relationship (i.e. sex) becomes more than fun, then that aspect of our relationship will come to an end. I told him that I don't want to get my heart broken, and if I continued in a physical relationship with him, then that is what would happen because he would always be in love with her. Why should I sell myself short and be with someone who doesnt care for me as much as I care for them? that is what happened in my marriage, just the other way around. I don't know what to do about him. I should probably end my relationship with him all together, but I need him right now. He is such a close friend and he is helping me to stay focused on my goal; being out on my own, taking care of my kids, being the strong, independent woman I know I could be. If he leaves me, I will not get that encouragement and I am afraid that I will fold and go back and settle, which is not what I want. Who knows what will happen, but I know that he was placed in my life for a reason,and I am glad that he was.