From June 19th, 2010

Since I left you 2 weeks ago, today has probably been the worst day for me. I have cried more today than I have at any point in time throughout this all. I cried this morning when I realized that I wasn't feeling guilty about leaving you, I cried wondering why you were not chasing after me. What was it about me that you don't want? I know that I am the one that left you, but I don't understand why you are not trying to get me to come back. I cried because I feel so alone in all of this. I have Mr. F. who has been amazingly wonderful at listening to me, giving me sound advise, making love to me like no tomorrow. We are just friends, as he is in love with someone else. but without him, this would be so much harder. You told me today that you were going for a GM position at work, and I wished you the best. But instantly I wanted to ask you, why now? why couldn't you try for that position when you were with me? Was i holding you back? I think I was. you called me to tell me that you wanted to check the oil in my van, so whenever we were both in the same place long enough, you wanted to check it, and of course i agreed. I cried after that. I don't like the fact that we can't be around each other right now. I don't like the fact that we are so far apart, that it is hard for us to be good people around our kids. I thought today about the last time you made love to me, on the couch. How our lips never parted, how I came so hard. I cried over that. I miss the us that used to be, but it has been so long since we have been happy, I know that we could never go back to that. Besides, I am the one that wants to move on. I want to forget about that bad parts of us and only remember the good parts so we can be friends for our kids. I just hope that we reach that point. I hope that you meet someone new who will treat you so much better than I did and I hope that you fall in love and stay in love for the rest of your life.