So, last night was the first night I had the kids with me all night at my new place. It wasn't terrible, just interesting. I realized that I miss the space of the house. The apartment is small. Not so small as to not allow some space, but no where near as spacious as the house was. We went and bought some Disney videos on good ol' fashioned VHS since I can't afford a DVD player. I skimped and bought them McD's for dinner because I was lazy and didn't feel like cooking. It went ok. We had a bath and it was bedtime. My daughter was down by 8pm and didn't actually fall asleep until about 9pm. My son, on the other hand, just had a terrible night. I almost had him to sleep at 9ish when my upstairs neighbors started moving in. Stomping, running, jumping, all of this. At first I thought it was because My son was crying, but then I realized that they were just moving in. It took him until 10:30ish to fall asleep last night. Had him in his bed and asleep for about 2 hours before I woke up because my daughter was crying. My son had decided to poke her in her sleep and wake her up. So, needless to say, he ended up sleeping in my bed with me. Not how I had planned it, but it wasn't terrible. At least we both got to sleep. Last night just made me realize that I was officially a single mom. There was no man who was going to come and relieve me of my parenting duty at a certain time, I couldn't call anyone and complain about what was going on. It was all me. It is very humbling and kinda scary. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I can say that much, but I know that it definitely has the potential to get worse.
I talked to Dear Mr. F the other day. He was supposed to get back into town on Wednesday, so I called him once at 11ish, I think. Yet again no answer. I texted him at 3 something to ask if he was still alive and he actually called me at 5:30 when he was on his way to teach. It was nice to kinda touch base with him. It was nice to see how things were going. We had an ok conversation. He actually asked me how things were going, and I told him well. I told him I had furniture now, and he said he was happy for me. He told me he was going to be out of town this weekend and that he left Tuesday to teach a class somewhere. I asked him if he would be able to see me before he left. He said that the possibility was pretty slim, but that he might be able to see me the following night. I said okay and left it at that. We ended our conversation on a good note, nothing bad. I got up and went to the movies (Inception, which was pretty awesome) and while I was there I realized that I would have the kids for the next few nights. I called him when I got out, even though he said he would call I knew he wouldn't. I left a very grown up message on his voice mail.
" I know that you said that you may be able to see me tomorrow but I just remembered that I am going to have the kids every night until next Wednesday. Which means that I probably won't be able to see you until you get back. It kinda sucks but it totally understandable. Anyways, Call me whenever you are not busy and I'll talk to you later"
I am very proud of that message. I am starting to separate from him, understanding that he is busy and he does have things going on and that he can't see me. I miss him all the time, I wish I could see him all the time, but it is really up to him. I would marry him in an instant if he asked me. I really would, but I think he has someone else in mind. I wish he would call me like he used to, wish he would text me, tell me how amazing I am, that I am a beautiful, sensuous woman. I miss hearing that from someone, I really do. Maybe there will be something else, someone else who will do that for me. I just wish it was him.
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