First night as a single mom

So, last night was the first night I had the kids with me all night at my new place. It wasn't terrible, just interesting. I realized that I miss the space of the house. The apartment is small. Not so small as to not allow some space, but no where near as spacious as the house was. We went and bought some Disney videos on good ol' fashioned VHS since I can't afford a DVD player. I skimped and bought them McD's for dinner because I was lazy and didn't feel like cooking. It went ok. We had a bath and it was bedtime. My daughter was down by 8pm and didn't actually fall asleep until about 9pm. My son, on the other hand, just had a terrible night. I almost had him to sleep at 9ish when my upstairs neighbors started moving in. Stomping, running, jumping, all of this. At first I thought it was because My son was crying, but then I realized that they were just moving in. It took him until 10:30ish to fall asleep last night. Had him in his bed and asleep for about 2 hours before I woke up because my daughter was crying. My son had decided to poke her in her sleep and wake her up. So, needless to say, he ended up sleeping in my bed with me. Not how I had planned it, but it wasn't terrible. At least we both got to sleep. Last night just made me realize that I was officially a single mom. There was no man who was going to come and relieve me of my parenting duty at a certain time, I couldn't call anyone and complain about what was going on. It was all me. It is very humbling and kinda scary. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I can say that much, but I know that it definitely has the potential to get worse.
I talked to Dear Mr. F the other day. He was supposed to get back into town on Wednesday, so I called him once at 11ish, I think. Yet again no answer. I texted him at 3 something to ask if he was still alive and he actually called me at 5:30 when he was on his way to teach. It was nice to kinda touch base with him. It was nice to see how things were going. We had an ok conversation. He actually asked me how things were going, and I told him well. I told him I had furniture now, and he said he was happy for me. He told me he was going to be out of town this weekend and that he left Tuesday to teach a class somewhere. I asked him if he would be able to see me before he left. He said that the possibility was pretty slim, but that he might be able to see me the following night. I said okay and left it at that. We ended our conversation on a good note, nothing bad. I got up and went to the movies (Inception, which was pretty awesome) and while I was there I realized that I would have the kids for the next few nights. I called him when I got out, even though he said he would call I knew he wouldn't. I left a very grown up message on his voice mail.
" I know that you said that you may be able to see me tomorrow but I just remembered that I am going to have the kids every night until next Wednesday. Which means that I probably won't be able to see you until you get back. It kinda sucks but it totally understandable. Anyways, Call me whenever you are not busy and I'll talk to you later"
I am very proud of that message. I am starting to separate from him, understanding that he is busy and he does have things going on and that he can't see me. I miss him all the time, I wish I could see him all the time, but it is really up to him. I would marry him in an instant if he asked me. I really would, but I think he has someone else in mind. I wish he would call me like he used to, wish he would text me, tell me how amazing I am, that I am a beautiful, sensuous woman. I miss hearing that from someone, I really do. Maybe there will be something else, someone else who will do that for me. I just wish it was him.

It's official, I am on my own.

Thanks to some wonderful family members who were willing to give me a helping hand, I have officially gotten all the furniture that I need for my apartment. I can have my kids over now when I want them to come over. I can entertain people when I want to have people over. It will be nice. I have thought about you a lot recently, wondering if you would ever come and see me. I don't think you have missed me at all. You leave next week for Fl to teach, but I don't think you will want to see me before you leave. I have missed you but I know that I need to get over you. You called me yesterday morning to see what I needed, and the conversation we proceeded to have was all business. No pleasure or hint of pleasure involved. I would love for you to come over, I really would. I miss going down on you and looking into your eyes, but I realized that that was all we ever had, nothing more. I was the one that made it more complicated than it needed to be. I didn't want it to go that way, but it did. We will see if you ever really will come and see me. I doubt it, but we will see.
I gave my number to the guy at my favorite coffee shop on Monday. I am here now, and we have been chatting off and on since I got here. Sadly, he didn't use my number at all. I don't know if he is interested or if he has someone else and it a player like you are. He doesn't seem like he is a player, but as always, I just have to wait and see. I can't wait to go home tonight. I really can't. I no longer have an apartment, I have home. My home. I love it.
I have thought about my husband a lot yesterday. I miss him, but I know that this is right. I was watching "Meet the Robinsons" with the kids the other day, and I started crying at the end when it played that Rob Thomas song. I remember our son being only a few days old, us sleeping on the old king mattress, and me feeling so happy for having a family and so sad at the same time. It felt like my life was complete but that it wasn't meant to be this way. It made me so sad to think that I will never have that complete feeling anymore. I won't feel that way again. That is why I won't get married again. I can't. I just don't think I have it in me. Someone would have to really love my kids in order to be able to marry me, and I don't see that happening for a while. I guess that is a good thing. Maybe it will teach me a little more independence. I can do this all on my own, I know that I can. I just have to prove to myself that I can.

Finally starting to move ahead.

I haven't heard from you in 2 days. I talked to you for a little bit on Friday. You told me that you were just busy, always busy. That you had a lot going on with being called out to places and classes and whatnot. I told you that it felt that now that you were not all depressed about Your Love you didn't need me as much anymore. You kinda agreed with me. You told me that the whole reason you got divorced was because you were always busy. You keep telling me that you want to get married again. Do you really think that any self-respecting woman is going to allow you to not be there in the marriage? And what if there are kids involved, theirs or yours with them? I wish you luck but it will end up the same way. You will not be there, they will get fed up with you and you and them will split. It will happen. I wish you lots of luck, because you will need it. I wish you would be there for me, but you are not. You are just like every other guy that is out there. I found out this weekend that my husband has been having thoughts of suicide. I am terrified about leaving my kids with him while I am away at training. I am scared for them and worried about him. I wanted to call you. I wanted to vent to you, but I resisted the temptation and left you alone. Not calling you, not texting you, not hearing your voice is really hard for me to do. Harder that I ever thought it would be. But I know it is best for me.
I tried to get a booty call this weekend. Thinking that having useless sex would help me not to think about you. The guy fell through on me. And the girl got cold feet. I just want to not think about you. At all. I have no mistakes in my life, no regrets, but at the same time, part of me wishes that I never texted you, that I had just left my flirting to the classroom and never any more than that. You were so much fun, and it was a lot of fun at first, until it got more serious. The sad thing is that it only got more serious for me, not for you. I miss how it used to be, but that just means that you are over me and and that I need to get over you.
I am talking to this guy at my favorite coffee shop. We have been flirting for a few weeks now. He has been really sweet and I love it when he smiles at me. Maybe he will be the guy to help me move on from you and my husband. I don't know what will happen. I know that I miss you terribly, but I will slowly get over you in time. Time heals all wounds; small, deep and self-inflicted. This is a small, self-inflicted wound that before I even know it will heal and be a distant memory. But like everything else in my life, I am just impatient. I want that time to come now.

I want to be over you

I am having a hard time moving on from you, and there was technically never a thing in the first place. I had to meet you Tuesday to get my dresser. You saw me and told me I looked sexy with my hair the way it was. As I was moving things around in my van to get the dresser in, you told me I have a nice ass. I said "full of compliments today, are we". You told me maybe 2 other times that I looked sexy today. I thanked you, got in my van and left. I called you way more often then I should. I had to meet you the next day to get the money you owed me. You met me in the morning, and told me I looked nice, but there was something that you were hiding from me. You told me that I needed to change my attitude, that I had gotten cocky. Didn't think that it could be because I don't like you being a player, huh? You asked me if I was coming to the wedding, and I shrugged my shoulders. Anyways, you still owe me money, and as soon as I get it, I am done with you. I don't want to call you, I don't want to text you, I don't want to do anything with you. You have lost interest in me, and that is becoming more and more apparent. I sent you a dirty text message last night, just to see if you would call me back. You were teaching your class last night, so I sent "I have been a naughty girl, mr d. I have been thinking dirty thoughts about you. I hope you can imagine me on my knees behind the podium". I thought, for sure, if you were still even remotely interested that you would call me when you got out of class. Nothing. Not a damn thing. I want to be over you in the worst possible way, but quitting you is like a bad habit. You like it to much but you know it is bad for you. I am trying to call you now, to find out when I can get my money, but you won't answer. You never do. You have stopped being there for me, even though you said you would be. You have stopped caring. Now that I have a place of my own, and a job lined up, you feel that you don't need to be there for me as much. You don't call me like you used to. I was the new toy for about 2 weeks, then once you had your way with me, that was it. I became another notch in your belt. You asked me if you could make love to me with the lights on, and I finally got over that fear, but once we did, it is like you lost interest. Did my body scare you off? That is why I don't have sex with the lights on in the first place. I know that I will be a lot better off once you are out of the picture, I just have to get there. I want to be there now, but I miss you too much right now to let go. It will happen soon. I promise. I am at that point where if I don't soon, you will, and I can't have that. I don't need you to leave. I need to leave.

Weekend blues

So, this weekend was not the greatest. I went to try and get my hair done friday, only to run out of time. You called me that morning to tell me something, and that was fine. Then you called me again to see how I was doing. You told me that you were still going to get married. That was fine. Then you called me to tell me that we couldn't screw around anymore because you were going back to work for the school. I told you that I wasn't a student there anymore, and you said you didn't know that. You said that opened up a couple of possibilities. I still don't understand what you meant by that. Then you asked me if you were a player. I laughed and told you that you don't want to know the answer to that question. You said you were serious, so I asked you point blank, how many women do you talk to on a daily basis that you have had sexual contact with in the last 2 months?
"Oh god, right out there in the open, huh?" I told you that your were the one that wanted to know. So you said, Your Love, Me and 1 or 2 others. Then you backtracked and said 2 others. I told you that yeah, you were a player. It hurt. I knew better. I knew better than to get involved with someone like you. I should never have even bothered you. I deleted your number from my phone that night. It didn't do me any good, since I practically memorized it in the first place, but I still resisted the temptation to call you or text you. I didn't bother you for most of the weekend. You told me that you would help me move today, which you said you still will, and that you would pay me from hauling that trash from your house. Every time we have talked since then, it has been all business and no pleasure. I am wanting to see you so bad, but at the same time, I would rather not see you ever again. I wish you would disappear. I miss you terribly, but I don't need someone like you in my life. I miss how we used to talk on the phone all the time, how you would call me 5 times a day, how you would tell me I was amazing and beautiful and sensuous. Then you stopped when I told you how I felt. You played me so smooth, and it hurts. You proved to me, more so than anyone, that you are just like every other guy that is out there. You are worse than most guys because you pretend to care.
I wanted to talk to you this morning because today is moving day. I have already been to the house and grabbed my boxes and my clothes. I forgot the clothes on hangers, so I had to turn around and go back. My husband was standing in the bedroom that is tore apart, crying. I told him I was sorry, grabbed my clothes and left. I started bawling down the road. I feel terrible. This is what I need to do right now, I know it in my heart. I don't like breaking his heart, but I have to follow mine, and it still hurts. It hurts a lot more now that it is final, that I am officially moving out, then it has as I have been living with others for the last 7 weeks. I really want to talk to someone about this, and everyone who I thought cared has left me and is not there. Yet again, I am on my own. I will figure it out, I always do. I will make do on my own, as usual. I am strong enough. I just wish someone would care enough to hold my hand without me asking them to.

Wondering

So, yesterday sucked. You called me yesterday morning, told me thank you for the night before, and to tell me that you slept like a baby. We talked about a lot of little things, like marriage and all that. You told me that I would be a lot of fun to be married to, BUT because I have an ex, you won't. I don't get you. You said you just don't want to deal with my ex at all. I told you that I would be the one to deal with him, not you. But you said that you would end up hearing about it anyway. I told you that if you really cared about someone then it shouldn't matter, but you said it did. Well, that fantasy is now out the window. I give up on that. If you can be selfish enough to not care about what I will have in my life, like the father of my children, I don't want you. We talked about a couple other things as well, but that is what hit home to me the most. I tried to talk to you several times yesterday, and as always, you just ignored me. Then you called me when you were on your way home. You went out on a date. I was jealous, only because my date stood me up. He got stuck on a job and couldn't get away, or so he said. I think he was lying, but whatever. I wanted to go out, I wanted to see someone, someone who would help me think about something other than you and whatever else is going on in my life. You got to go out and enjoy your time with someone else. I asked you when you were going to take me out, and you said you don't know, that you were the one that got taken out last night, so when was I going to take you out. I told you that it doesn't work that way with me, you have to take me out. I like feeling sought after. Everything is falling through, my date last night and things with you. I don't know where things will end up, but I want to feel desired again. You have dropped the ball on that, so it is up to someone else. I just hope I can meet that someone else before I completely lose my sex drive.

Yesterday

Yesterday was interesting. I was out of town all day and you called me like 4 times. I called you back each time, but we ended up playing phone tag. That was fine. I didn't mind at all. I like it. When I got back into town, we talked for a little bit. You came to see me when I was at our friends house. Our friend was not going to be back for a while. You came over to eat something and let me use something. You said you had to go, but I told you that you should wait and let me have fun with you first. You smiled real big and said, "What if 'our friend' comes in?" I told you he would not be back for hours, besides the idea of possibly getting caught adds to the excitement. You sat down on the couch and I got between your knees. I unzipped your pants and the moment I took you in my mouth, I heard you moan "Oh God." I took care of you on the couch, your hips moving in time to my head bobbing up and down, me looking in your eyes with my mouth around you. I watched your eyes roll in the back of your head, which only turned me on more. When I felt you spasm inside my mouth, I knew that the mission had been accomplished. You said I was wild. I know that I am. The shades were up and 'our friend' could have come home at any moment, but he didn't. You said I was trying to stop you from getting married, that I was trying to seduce you. I think it may work, but that is beside the point. You asked me when I get my apartment, and I told you next week. I told you we still have to fulfill my "make love in every room" promise. That will be my new home party. Should be interesting if you don't take off on me next week. I still need help moving. I am looking forward to seeing you soon. I can't wait to have fun with you again. Pretty soon, I will not be able to anymore. I have to leave you alone. So we will see what happens.

Just Today

Well, we haven't talked at all today except for like 10 minutes, all of which was about Your Love. Sometimes I wonder if you care as much as I want you to. I was thinking about that today. I want you to care a lot about me, but you don't. You seem to have lost interest. I miss you calling me all the time. I miss you saying that you miss me. I miss hearing you talk dirty to me on the phone, telling me all the things that you are going to do to me. It's like once we crossed that line, you got bored with me. Against my better judgment, I texted you today. You called be back later. You told me you had a good conversation with Your Love, that you both have realized that you can't go there right now, so you just need to be there and be supportive of each other like you always have been. You sounded better today than you have in a little while. You told me that you were going to get married next week, which I know is a bunch of B.S. but it still made me wonder. I told you that you better not get married. You said "You want me to be happy, don't you?" Of course I want you to be happy. I told you "you have to wait for me" to which you just laughed. You had to get off the phone. I think when I move to my new place, it will be easier for me to separate and leave you alone. I am doing my best to let things go as they should, but it is really hard for me. I wish I had never crossed that line with you, as much fun as it was. All it did was make things complicated. I need to get over you. I just haven't figured out how.

Taking steps and moving forward

I got my apartment today. I paid my deposit and my first months rent. I can move in next week. I am so excited. I am a little nervous because I don't have any furniture or money to have my electricity turned on, but I still have an apartment. I am excited. You called me this morning. I didn't really want to talk to you, but I did anyways. You said that you had to be in bed by 10:30pm as per her rules and that is why you didn't call me back really early this morning. That was fine. I told you that I would probably crash at the house again tonight, and you said that was fine. You told me you talked to Your Love yesterday. That you have realized that yes, your relationship with her was never built on talking bad about her husband, and that you have always supported the decisions she has made in the past, and that you have to respect and support her opinion of staying with him. You did sound a little better today. I don't know if it was the goods night sleep that you got or if you are honestly starting to feel better about your situation with her. I told you that I got the money for my apartment, and you sounded excited for me. You told me you were looking forward to coming over to my new place. I asked you why, and I could hear the smile in your voice. You said so I could cook you all the food that I am good at cooking. I said "So that is the only reason you want to come over, huh? for my good food?" you said no, you would like to come over. I asked you something about where you were going to move to, and you said you weren't. You were just going to live with your friends for a while. I told you that you were always welcome and my place. You told me there may be some things that I can have, which I really appreciated. I mentioned that I didn't have any furniture aside from a bed and a dresser, and I mentioned going to my favorite Panera to get on the internet and I got "oh". It was a very loaded oh. I still think me telling you about my date bothered you. I don't know if I should bring it up again, or if I should just let it go. I think I will have to mention it to you because you said you were going to move stuff on Thursday, and I can't help you because of my husband. I don't know. I want you to tell me you are jealous. It would be nice. It would be nice to be desired by you so much that it would bother you that you wouldn't want me to see other people. I do love you, but I have to leave you alone, and getting my apartment is going to help with that. I think it really will.

So...Really?

I don't know if you see this. I can't imagine that you do, unless you went on your web browser history and found it. I hope not, but I don't know. I guess that aspect of us is over. If we can be friends, which I hope we can, but I don't know if that is what you want anymore. You have stopped answering my phone calls and my texts. I annoy you, I guess, but you tell me that I don't. I called you earlier today to tell you that I found an apartment, and you sounded excited for me but a little down. I can imagine that you are just down because of Your Love. I asked you for a favor, and you said you would see what you could do. I asked you to call me later because I was down, and you did, but you seemed off. You told me how you talked to Your Love, and you had a good coversation, nothing bad. Then you said that she is about to realize that she is going to lose the best thing that has ever happened to her. I asked you what you meant, if you really were not going to talk to her anymore. You told me that when you start to see other people, she is going to get mad. She will realize that she doesn't have you in that manner anymore, and it will make her jealous. I told you that maybe you should wait before you start dating others, try to move on from her some, so you have space inside to care about someone else. You said that was ok. I mentioned that I have a date on Thursday, that I'm not looking to rush into anything with anybody. It's just a date. I mentioned that I was talking to this guy at Panera. I told you that I like feeling that others find me attractive, that people like me enough to ask me out, because I haven't really had that. You got quiet then changed the subject on me. You didn't say anything. My friends think that you are jealous. But why would you be? I have been supportive of you and talked with you about dating other people. Why can we talk about dating others with you and not about me dating others. I know that you heard me on the phone. I know you did. You seem to have made it clear by talking about that 40 year old that you went out with all the time and by separating from me (no phone calls or texts) that you are not interested in me as a relationship. I talked to my friend Robert about you. He is closer in age to you than any of my other friends. He thinks that you are jealous, that is probably surprised you that you were jealous, and now you have to figure it out. He thinks that you bringing up the 40 year old all the time is to see if you can get a reaction out of me. I haven't reacted because we are not dating, you can go do whatever you want. I am not your girlfriend or your wife, and I need to stop acting like I am. I got jealous the first time because I realized that I cared for you as more than just a friend, and even though you said it was mutual, you started to move away from me. You already started ignore my phone calls and everything else immediately after those feelings were out in the open. I don't know if you are afraid of those feelings, or what it is. But I have done my best to put my walls back up agian because you don't seem to care for me as much as I would like to think. You are a very sought after man, women flock to you. You are handsome, sweet, caring, loving, and interesting. I would be naive to think that I would be the only woman able to hold your attention. If you are jealous, I wish you would just tell me. I was open enough with you to be honest with you about my feelings, I hope that you respect me enough to do the same. If you asked me not to go out on that date, then I wouldn't. But I would have to go both ways. If you wanted me all to yourself, you could have me. I asked you, after you changed subjects on me, if you would answer your phone if I called you later. You said probably. And yet, as I already knew, you didn't. I tried to call you after my kids went to sleep to see if you could still pull in a couple favors for me. No answer. I tried calling you when I left the house to tell you I was crashing at your old place. No answer. I miss talking to you all the time. I miss our til 2 am conversations. I miss you telling me you miss me. I miss hearing your voice every night. But I guess I will just have to move on. What other option do I have. I will be there for you, and I would like to see what develops between us, but it is very clear that that is not what you are looking for. I will be okay, as I always say. I will figure it out.

Frustration...as per title.

I don't know why I let this happen. Yesterday was my 3 year anniversary, and it wasn't a happy day. I wrote you a letter and I realized as I was writing it, that I don't think that I was ever in love with you in the first place. I shouldn't have married you. You deserved better and yet we both settled. You deserve someone who will love you no matter what, I realized that my love for you was very much conditional. You deserve someone who will love you for you and someone who can love you as much as you deserve to be loved. This is not what I had envisioned. This is not how I thought our marriage would turn out, but it has. I cannot wait until I can be out on my own. I cannot wait until I move on, find someone else. I really can't. And then there is you, Mr. D. How have I let my guard down again for you to hurt me? I crashed at your place last night, no funny business. It was only for a few hours, from about 3:30 to 6:30, and we talked the better part of an hour of that. I fell asleep in the recliner, listening to you work. When I woke up this morning you weren't there. You left me in your house in the early morning, and you couldn't even wake me up to tell me you were leaving. I know that you were going to see her, at least I am pretty sure that you were. Why else would you be up and out of the house at 6am? She has to be to work at 7am. But I have called you twice and you have not called me back. You don't care about me the way that I think you do. I am going to block your number and do my best to forget about you. I can't believe I let myself think that you were that special. I know that you love her, but there are other people in your life that are worried about you. You have to think of that. I know that you want to be friends with her, but are you going to ignore me? You will, and I hope that when I leave I am just a blip in your memory. You will forget about me, I just hope that I am lucky enough to forget about you.

Your Love

You talked to Your Love this morning. I feel sorry for you that you feel you have to go through this. I know that you want her to love you. You want her to leave her husband and be with you. You knew going into the relationship with her that she was married, maybe it didn't start out that way. You were just friends with her first, but that is not how it turned out. I heard you cry on the phone when you told her how much you loved her and missed her and how much you wanted to be with her. I heard you ask her if she was in love with you or not, and I also heard her not respond to you. You are giving her an ultimatum, either love me or leave me alone. You don't want her to stay with her husband, you want her to be with you. You tell me over and over that that is not what it is all about, that you just want her to be happy and sober, but then you don't include that in the options for her. You don't want to be alone, but you feel you are going to die waiting for her. You have told me that you want to run off with that one chick, but I don't think that is a good idea for you. You may never get over her, you will always love her, but you have to have space to love someone else and right now, every ounce of your being is for her and only her. You need to wait until you can honestly say you have space to love someone else. It wouldn't be fair to the other person if you didn't. You will never love someone as much as her, and there are women out there who will settle for less than everything you have to offer. As long as you are honest about it, and not throwing yourself into another relationship. Just take your time about it, but I truly feel that you feel your time is running out. I know you think it will not take that much time, but it will take longer than you think. You think right now, running off with someone else will help you move on from her, and it won't. It will just set you up to get hurt more and cut the other person short. You said it yourself, you still have time to make something of yourself and your life. Don't jump in too deep, or else you won't be able to get yourself out of it. You may jump so deep, that there will be no one to help pull you out.

One step at a time

I dreampt about you last night. I dreampt about our past, what we used to have. In my dream, you gave me something to hold onto and I lost it. I started walking away from you. I walked so far that eventually, I didn't even see you anymore. I think that this is what is going to happen. I am going to turn away from you and eventually you will disappear. Those feelings have already faded so much, I am not sure if any of them are there anymore. There is no real way of knowing. I can't dig and pretend that there is something there that isn't. I have decided to step forward and move on from you. I am not going to look back. I am not going to want to come back to you. I have no regrets, but the future does not include you unless it pertains to the kids. They are my life now, they always have been and always will be. We decided not work on our marriage. We. You decided that it is all me, and that none of it is your fault. You feel that love is enough, but you know what, it isn't enough. Your love is not enough to hold me to you, to make me want to stay with you. My love isn't there anymore. There isn't anything that I want to do more than be on my own and support myself. I want this more than I could ever. And I am getting closer and closer to achieving that goal.

More Drama

So, you have texted me all day, wondering where we are going to end up. I don't know where we are going to end up. I seriously am not ready to make that decision. I just want to move out. I want to be out on my own and to support myself. You call me self-centered and self-righteous. Maybe I am, but maybe that is how I need to be right now. Maybe I need to worry about myself a little bit and not about anything other than my kids. You say that you love me, that you want to be with me, that you miss me, but you had every opportunity to show me the love that you had for me, and you didn't when I was there. You never wanted to spend time with me. You never took an interest in me, intimately or otherwise. But now that I am gone, that is all that you want. I don't have those feelings for you anymore, and I am not ready to tell you that yet... I am not ready to tell you that I don't love you anymore. We have 2 beautiful children together, and they are my world and have been my world since God placed them here. You asked me tonight if the last 4 years were just a waste of time, and I told you that you still didn't get me, you still didn't understand that I have no regrets about my past or my present. I have done some ridiculously stupid things in my past, things that I hope no one else decides to ever do, but if I had not done them, then I would not be here. I have learned a lot about myself in the last 4 years, a lot about my children, and a lot about you. I don't ever wish to change that. We did have some good times, we really did, but toward the end, those good times were few and far between. I deserve better, and quite frankly so do you. I just think right now you are too hurt to even see that. I know that you have done a lot for me, especially with watching the kids since I left, and I appreciate it. But, just because you do this does not make me change my mind. I know what I want. Part of me wishes that I still wanted to be with you, that I still had the feelings that I had when we first got together, but another part of me doesn't want to change where I am at. I cannot force myself to feel something for you. All I have done is pretend to have these feelings for you for the last year, and I realized that it was all just a lie and those feelings do not exist anymore. I don't know where we will end up, I really don't. I am going to take this one day, one step and one breath at a time, and where the Lord wants me, he will place me.

Packing up and moving on

Well, I have been helping you pack for several days now. You don't know where you are going to go yet, but you still have to move. You are moving on from her, and I am sad for you. I know that you Love her, that you miss her, that you want her to be with you, but you realize now that you derserve better. I used to want that better to be me. I used to want to be there for you when you move on from her. I am not sure that I can. I don't think you trust me as much as you say you do. I was packing up your stuff and I found a card from your female roommate, one that stated that she would cook you spaghetti dinner for Valentine's day, with a sexual inuendo about it burning, meaning that you would be busy doing something else. I also found a coupon in the envelope that entitled her to one free massage with something in the bag. The bag that you keep all your toys in. I don't know why you felt that you couldn't tell me about sleeping with her. I figured that you did when you told me she didn't want Your Love to come over, and that is why you changed the locks on the house. Your roommate was jealous because you had already slept with her and you were not interested anymore. I am not jealous anymore about you and women. That is just the type of man that you are. I cannot let myself get hurt by you so I have put all my walls back up and I swear now, for sure, they are not coming back down. I enjoy my time with you. Helping you pack has given me a chance to see you everyday, to hear your laugh and see you smile, but I am glad to know, now, that it will never go any farther than that. I know that now because if I am stupid enough to fall for you, then I deserve whatever pain I get. You are a great fuck, you know how to please a woman, and this I can attest to, but I think you have to learn a lot about yourself, and I don't know if I can be there when you do. I hope you get the job, and you leave the state. That way any risk I have of getting any closer to you goes away. I won't have to worry about it anymore. I won't have to remember to keep my walls up because there will be no threat to someone tearing them down.

July 8th, 2010

We have separated a little bit now. We don't call each other multiple times a day now, only a few times. Not like we used to. I confessed my feelings to you in an e-mail. I had become ultra needy, I wanted to talk to you all the time, be near you, and that is not what you wanted. You wanted your distance. When I told you a few weeks ago that I had feelings for you more than a friend, you told me that it was mutual. That was just an unspoken feeling. Well, I realized that it really wasn't mutual, because after I said that to you, you started to pull away. You shut down. I think I had confused you because you are still in love with her, how could you love someone else. You have told me that you love me, and I know that you mean it, but not the same way as I do. I have put my walls back up so that way I cannot get hurt by you. You have told me that you may go back out with that other chick, that you are going to send Your Love that dear john letter you have written her, and I don't care. I really don't. I don't need to get into a relationship just to get my heart broken, and that is what you would do to me if I let that wall fall back down, so I have decided to not let it come down agian. I have no problem making love to you. I quite enjoy it, but I realized that it wasn't me that needed the physical treatment, you need it just as much, if not more than me. You call it "Healing sex" and that is what it is, but it is more healing to you than it is to me. I could go a long time without it, I have in the past, but you need it. It is what is helping you move on from her, and I don't even think that you realize that. You will not stay here because of me, you will stay because of her, if you do stay. But I am going to make sure that you have plenty of memories of me before you go. You have only seen part of me, you haven't seen everything that I can do, and you probably won't see everything. but I am going to give you experiences that you are not used to. I want you to tie me up and have your way with me, I want you to spank me and call me a bad girl, I want you to handcuff me and have me work my way out of a ticket. You have said you have never met a woman as wild as me, and I said "Too bad you can't marry me, you would get that every night." Every night, you said, to which I replied "I have a very high sex drive, and I have yet to meet someone who can match me.". I don't think you knew what to say to that. Not even you could have the sexual appetite to match mine, but I am going to make you a shell of a man that you once were in the attempt.

From July 1st, 2010

Amazing times believing true

Something that feels breathing

Hearing bird songs in blue

Feeling the heartstrings sing

Vibrato and echoes filling high

Awaking souls on dreamless night

Smiling down and welcome sighs

Beaming though like dawns light

Fears abounding never seen

Letting it all go and relaxing

Interpreting unspoken means

Feeling the weight that’s taxing

Crow’s feet and chimes of smile

Hoping for wronged identity

Imagining the longest of miles

Cueing for a starlight reality

Sweeping through barely felt

Feet touching the ground

Held me up and ice melt

Aching for your voice sound

Strength seizing me tough

Trying not to let walls down

Hoping that time’s enough

Forgetting what we found

Wanting most embers die

Daydream something new

Hoping pain becomes a lie

Wanting to forget about you

From June 29th, 2010

I keep thinking about all of this. Yesterday was really hard, because I couldn't stop thinking about you. I couldn't stop thinking about the conversation we had the night before. I didn't know what to do. I felt so alone yesterday. Absolutely alone. I know that I am not, but sometimes I can't help but feel that way. I know that you will be there for me, that you will always be there when I need you the most. I don't want to break down my barriers for you. I didn't see that they were already falling until I started to feel hurt by the fact that you could hang out with her. I know that if you hang out and went and seen your best friend, I would not get jealous by that because you are in love with her, and I know that she will always come first. I have talked to my best friend from high school about this and she thinks that you are just a player and that I never should have messed around with you. And She is right. She will never come right out and say "I told you so" but that is what she is thinking. I asked you if I was bugging you last night, and you said that I wasn't. I am thinking that I am because I call you all the time and text you all the time and you are not as active about that as you were just a few weeks ago. I woke up this morning with the expectation that I wouldn't here from you at all today. I can't keep setting myself up to be disappointed. I didn't want to answer your call yesterday, but I wanted to hear your voice and I am weak and answered. you called me this morning and I was very honest and told you that I was surprised that I heard from you. I didn't expect you to call, and I really wasn't expecting it at all. but I answered just the same. I think part of that is because you are out of the state. When you get back home, I think I will try my best to ignore you. I don't know if it will work. I need to forget about this and move on. I need to look for someone else who can take over the romantic part of my life, but honestly, I'm not trying to be with anyone right now. That is the last thing I want. I want to get situated and moved out of my ex's and take care of my kids and myself. I want to prove that I am as strong and as independent as I claim to be. And even though we have joked about running off and getting married and moving in together, that just can't happen. For one, neither one of us are serious. yeah, we care for each other more than just friends, but we are not even dating. I was just joking about getting married, but the moving in together, you seemed pretty serious about that because you are losing your place to stay in July. I don't think I can do that. I know that if we were together in the same house, and you went out with girl I would get jealous. I don't need that. And the same way with me, I would feel ackward going out with a guy and bringing a guy over to the house because you are there. You told me last night that you talked to your best friend. You told her that it has been 60 days and she hasn't called you as often as she should, and she isn't even trying to figure things out. She has cut back on drinking, but her deadbeat husband still makes her do more than she should. She said that you can't force her to make a decision, and you said you know, but if she wants to work on her marriage, then the least she could do is tell you and let you go and stop stringing you along. You told me that you have to start thinking about things and you are starting to view things from a different perspective. I am so happy about that. I want you to start living your life and taking care of yourself, and I know that it hurts and that is not what you want, but I am glad that you are making the decisions to move forward with you life. I hope that I am a part of that decision to move forward, but you know, if I'm not, that is okay, as long as you are happy. All I really want is for you to be happy, even if that means that I will eventually leave the picture, as long as you are happy, that is all that matters. I hope we can figure this out. I really do. I am going to try to be more open and just let this relationship go where it should go. I am going to do my best not to force it. I am going to do my best not to look too far into the future and pick us apart before we are even there. I love you, and this is not going to change. I hope that it doesn't change for you.

From June 29th, 2010 "A Poem of confusion"

Wrap me up in color blind bliss

Make me feel like there is more than this

A sweet surrender never noticed

Until my life became unfocused

Break me down and look inside

Everything that is true to abide

I have fallen harder than this before

Picked myself up for something more

Proved strong and tough as stone

Molded by my thoughts to the unknown

Held me down and made me stay

Unknowingly wanted to get away

Tears unfallen in the open door

Making me realize there has to be more

Thinking deep and still waters clear

Opportunites are only too near

Comforting in thoughts of pain

Inflicted on myself again

I won’t submit to the wants of today

Eternity at stake for my soul to stay

Eyes open on clouds of hope and clarity

That this time may feel a true rarity

Special senses broken and raw

Disobeying all unwritten law

If only I knew that it would not hurt

Stinging embers and skin burnt

I walk on pins and needle sticks

Feeling fires burning licks

Waking me up screaming in the night

Doing my best to maintain this fight

Crumbling down to feel nothing

Aching the palm holding something

Expressed on canvas like paintings true

Ever longing for a different blue

One step on worlds little pebbles

Ignoring ignorance and psychobabbles

Rescue me and hold me near your heart

Realize that you and I will never part

Hold my hand, be a dream to me

Help me feel like I can see

Friend of life and beauty still

Hoping your heart He will fill

My hope for your pain to disappear

Mine will stay, but I have no fear

Breathe into me what I want to know

Make it beautiful, crisp as snow

Forever grateful for this trip of mine

May time bless this and make me fine.

From June 29th, 2010

So I have been separated from him for 3 weeks now. I took a road trip with our 2 kids to Fl and not once did he call and check up on us, I called him. And then there is you. Why did this happen? We were just having a lot of fun, and now I realize that my feelings for you run a little deeper than I had anticipated. I know that you are in love with your best friend, and that you would love to be with her, but this between us is just getting too complicated. You were in Fl while I was there, and you came back a day early. You told me you would call me on my drive back home and check up on me over my 12 hour drive. You didn't call me until 3am. And come to find out you were hanging out with another woman. If we were just friends, that shouldn't bother me, but I realized that I was jealous. I am not the jealous type. And I realized that I cared for you more than I thought I did. I thought about it a lot. You have said you love me, and I believe that, and I love you, too, but why is it this difficult. I only want the best for you, and I truly do want you to be happy, but I wish that is was me that you wanted to be happy with. When I told you how i felt last night, when I said that I think I have feelings for you more than friendship, you said "Well, thats just the elephant in the room that hasn't been talked about" I asked you if it was mutual, and you said it was, that you have feelings for me that are more than friendship, that is why you talk to me as much as you do, why you talk to me at 3am and what not. I thought you would do that for anyone, so I didn't think that was anything special. You asked me if you fell for this woman, would it be me that I wished you had fell for, and I said yes. You said if I meet someone, and was happy, that you would be happy for me, and I the same way if it was opposite, but that was the difference. If I met somoene, you would not be wishing it was you that I fell for and not the other guy. After I said that, you quickly got off the phone. You have stood me up so many times in the last 2 weeks, its not even funny. You could have met me last night, saw me for 15 minutes, but you decided not to. You weren't working, you were probably hanging out with that new woman that you like. I don't want to do this anymore. I have other things I need to worry about, and falling for someone was not in the books. I need to do this on my own, and even though it makes me feel isolated and alone, there are others who do it everyday, why can't I. You said I am an all or nothing person, and you are right, if you are not in love with me, then we are just friends, and we need to leave it at that. I can't blend the two because it leaves me feeling like I am feeling now. I don't want you to break my heart, but you all ready are breaking it, and you have no clue.

From June 23rd, 2010

I got it in my head today that I would be going to Flordia. And my soon to be ex husband is okay with this. I told him that I wanted to take the kids on a road trip, that I wanted to take the kids to Flordia to see my grandmother. He said he needed a break as well, and it would be good for us. I haven't lived in the house in almost 3 weeks, and we are just now learning how to be civil with each other. He even called his dad and asked for money so I can go. I have already done the calculations, and If I drive all night, it will take me about 12 hours to get there, maybe a little longer. I am so excited and scared at the same time. I told my best friend that I really needed to get out of here, and he understood. He said he knew. He is in Tampa right now, and I think he is thinking that I will go and see him. But he is there on business, and I will be there to sort my life out. I'm falling for this guy, but he is in love with someone else and I am completely supportive of him while he figures out what he is going to do since the woman he is in love with is very, very unhappily married but can't get the guts to leave him. He is so love sick over her, and he will never get over her because he doesn't want to. So I know that nothing could ever develop beyond a friendship with me and him. We have slept together only twice, and yet I can already tell that that aspect of our relationship is very quickly coming to an end. I don't want it to, and it is probably my fault that it will. He keeps telling me that he makes love to women and doesn't just screw them, and I can truly attest to the fact that he does make love. I have never been made love to, and there was a difference between making love and just having sex. Well, I asked him how is it that he could make love to another woman when he was in love with someone else. He told me it was just an expression of our feelings for one another, and that it was a good way for us to help each other and that I deserved to be made love to. I definitely appreciated it. But the next day he told me he had been thinking about it, and that maybe he did need to make a total commitment to her and not make love to me anymore. I told him that I could respect that decision, but it would still be sad and may even hurt, but I could respect that. He makes me feel amazing. He tells me I am amazing, and wonderful, and beautiful, and sexual, and sensuous, and all this things, and yet he doesn't have those feelings for me. How can someone tell you all those things and not have some type of feelings. I am a little torn right now. I confessed to him and told him that when the fun aspect of our relationship (i.e. sex) becomes more than fun, then that aspect of our relationship will come to an end. I told him that I don't want to get my heart broken, and if I continued in a physical relationship with him, then that is what would happen because he would always be in love with her. Why should I sell myself short and be with someone who doesnt care for me as much as I care for them? that is what happened in my marriage, just the other way around. I don't know what to do about him. I should probably end my relationship with him all together, but I need him right now. He is such a close friend and he is helping me to stay focused on my goal; being out on my own, taking care of my kids, being the strong, independent woman I know I could be. If he leaves me, I will not get that encouragement and I am afraid that I will fold and go back and settle, which is not what I want. Who knows what will happen, but I know that he was placed in my life for a reason,and I am glad that he was.

From June 19th, 2010

Since I left you 2 weeks ago, today has probably been the worst day for me. I have cried more today than I have at any point in time throughout this all. I cried this morning when I realized that I wasn't feeling guilty about leaving you, I cried wondering why you were not chasing after me. What was it about me that you don't want? I know that I am the one that left you, but I don't understand why you are not trying to get me to come back. I cried because I feel so alone in all of this. I have Mr. F. who has been amazingly wonderful at listening to me, giving me sound advise, making love to me like no tomorrow. We are just friends, as he is in love with someone else. but without him, this would be so much harder. You told me today that you were going for a GM position at work, and I wished you the best. But instantly I wanted to ask you, why now? why couldn't you try for that position when you were with me? Was i holding you back? I think I was. you called me to tell me that you wanted to check the oil in my van, so whenever we were both in the same place long enough, you wanted to check it, and of course i agreed. I cried after that. I don't like the fact that we can't be around each other right now. I don't like the fact that we are so far apart, that it is hard for us to be good people around our kids. I thought today about the last time you made love to me, on the couch. How our lips never parted, how I came so hard. I cried over that. I miss the us that used to be, but it has been so long since we have been happy, I know that we could never go back to that. Besides, I am the one that wants to move on. I want to forget about that bad parts of us and only remember the good parts so we can be friends for our kids. I just hope that we reach that point. I hope that you meet someone new who will treat you so much better than I did and I hope that you fall in love and stay in love for the rest of your life.

From June 18th, 2010

Even though we have made love now, even though we have had phone sex, even though we have talked about the fantasys that we have with each other, none of that would matter if I lost you as a friend. I am so happy that God has placed me in your life and vice versa. I am happy that we have talked as much as we have. I know that you are in love with her, and I am sorry that she can't react because of her situation. I can see the pain in your eyes and hear it in your voice whwen you talk about her. I know that you have never been in love before, you have told me that. You have been married 3 times and yet, you did not pine over them when you divorced them. You went about your business like it was nothing. But now that you have confronted her, and she can't recipricate, it is tearing you up. I hate to see you this way. I hate that you are hurting that bad. I wish I could make your pain a little easier, but I am not stupid. Moving on takes time, and that is the only thing that will make it better for you. Like I told you before, I hope that one day, when God feels it is the right time, he will place someone in my life who loves me as much as you love her. You have told me that you would die tomorrow if you knew that she would be happy and sober. I know you don't care if she doesn't leave the ******* to be with you, you just want her to be happy. I think she would want the same for you. She wants you to be happy and to take care of yourself. I have never met her, but I can tell just by the relationship that you did have with her, that she truly wants you to be happy. I don't want a serious relationship right now. Right now, I need to get my own priorities in order and get out on my own, and if nothing other than friendship ever comes of us, I am happy with that. You are truly one in a million. You are sincere and caring, you are loving and special. You make me feel like I am the strong woman I am and that somewhere out there, someone will truly appreciate me for who I am. You make me feel like me. I don't feel like i have to be a different person around you, i don't feel like i have to lie to you. I feel like we have known each other forever. Even though you are twice my age, I feel like we have been best friends for ages. You are so easy to talk to, you are a great listener. What I love about you is how you have not judged me. I told you about my past, the awful things that I have done, and you did not judge me for it. You did not react negatively about anything that I said. You actually said you were proud of me, and that I was amazing. Talk about giving me warm feelings on the inside. When we made love the other night, I could tell that you wanted me. You waited for me. You wanted me to come for you. You were so patient and understanding. You caressed me, you kissed me, you took it slow when I asked you to. You have the best stamina and staying power than any person I have been with, and you could tell that it was about me. The toys were fun. I definitely liked the toys, but even if there were no toys and just you, I would have been just as satisfied. I have never came like I came with you. I have never exploded like I did with you. You are lucky to have been able to be with me. And i the same. I think you are getting more serious about this than I am. I know that we are just friends helping each other out in a tough time, but do you know that? Last night at our class dinner, you bought my dinner and shared your wine with me. When you called me last night afterwards, you said at least you were able to buy me dinner. I told you that I hope you will be able to do so again. but that is stuff that you say to someone you are dating. Are we dating? is that what you think this is? is that what this is? am I deluding myself thinking that it is nothing more? I hope not, because I would hate fore you to break my heart.

From June 8th

I told my husband I wanted a separation. I have not been in the same house with him in 2 days. I have no desire for him. When I slept in the parking lot the first night, you talked to me for 3 hours. You were so sweet and understanding. I know you have been though this, so that I why I trust you. We talked about all the dirty things we were going to do once finals were over. We attempted to have phone sex, but didn't get that far. I couldn't take it. I tried to get you to come see me and you wouldn't even though you wanted to. We need to cool it down a little. We need to slow it down a little. We need to wait until I get an apartment, when I am settled. We need to make sure that this is going to work. You called me yesterday a few times to see how I was doing, how my job hunt was going. It was nice to know that someone cared about how this is going. You told me you knew I was strong, that I knew what I was doing and that I could do this. You told me you were proud of me and admired me. Then we talked again last night for a few before you had to sleep. It all seems to be the same thing, though. All we talk about is sex, and our attaction to each other, nothing too specific. I want to know what your favorite type of music is, what you read for pleasure, all those thing. But I don't want to know because then it will become to real what I am feeling. You called me a 5am this morning before you had to leave on your flight. I didn't expect to hear from you again until you landed in Cali at 3:30 but you called me on your layover. Then you said "Don't fall in love with me, ok", I told you I wouldn't, that I have too much going on, that I can't think about anything like that right now. I told you "don't fall in love with me either" and you said you would try not to. Things happen for a reason, so why are these things happening. I am afraid that if we see each other out of class that I will jump your bones and suck your **** in a parking lot. I cant wait until you get back in town. I want to see you so bad. I want to feel your hands on me, your lips on my neck. I want to look into your dark brown eyes and see that fire that I feel in my heart. You promised me that you would make love to me. I really don't want you to break that promise. I am just very impatient and I can't wait until you make that dream a reality. I can't wait to feel your fingers inside or your **** either. I cant wait until you scratch your nails down my back, bite the back of my leg, ramming it hard. This is all so naughty that I can't handle the hotness of just thinking about it. I can't wait to talk to you agian. I hope you land in Cali safe and sound and call me as soon as you land.

From June 6th, 2010

I don't want to be with you anymore. I don't want to be in this house with you anymore. I'm not in love with you anymore. I want to move out. I want to start my life over on my terms with my kids. I won't move out of state. I want you to be near your kids. I want you to enjoy your time without me. I want you to find yourself again. I want you to do good without me around. I want to get it done and over with. But i am stuck. I have not job and until I finish school, I won't have a job. I will take classes to become a CNA and get a job. And after that, it's over. I want out. I am sick of being in this relationship. Being in this relationshop is terrible for me. It has made me someone I don't want to be. I don't think I can take this anymore. I think we need to talk about it seriously, but last time I tried, it was aweful. I couldn't do it. I am a strong woman who can do it on her own. I know that I can. I already am. It would be hard, but I know that I could do it. I want out.

From June 4th, 2010

I can't believe that I talked to you for 4 hours last night, in your car. I can't believe I am a married woman who has such strong feelings for someone else. I can't believe that we talked about all the hot things that we did talk about. I can't believe that you were asking me to go to a hotel room with you. I can't believe you told me you would love to make me go wild. I can't believe you gave me that toy. I can't believe you told me to fantasize about you. I can't believe you told me that a woman should have 4 before a man even has 1. I can't believe that you are trying to figure out how we are going to get around it. I can't believe that I am enjoying it this much. I can't believe that I was so hot by the time I got home, I didn't know what to do with myself. I can't believe that you are my teacher. I can't believe that my charm worked as well as it did. I can't believe that I am seriously thinking about it. I can't believe that I wanted to call you this morning and tell you to rent that room. I can't believe that you told me you wanted to give me 10 in an hour. I can't believe that you wanted to pull over on the side of the road. I can't believe that I am looking forward to next week. I can't believe that my flirting in class paid off. I can't believe that you even noticed me. I can't believe I had the guts to ask you out. I can't believe you accepted. I can't wait til we can do it agian.