New pain

So now I know that I really am alone. I talked to Mr. F tonight. He told me that he got married on Saturday. Just a private thing that he did. He feels good about it and I really want him to be happy but I miss him so much. I am sitting here crying because now I know that I will just be all by myself for a long time. I appreciate him as a friend, I love him and I always will. But now that he has a family, there is no time for me. Now I know why he didn't call me, why he ignored me. He was busy falling for someone else. I don't know why I let myself get in this. I knew that if I ever got hurt, it was my fault. And it is. He told me that he still appreciated me as a friend and that he hoped we could still be friends. I am dissappointed. The last time that we had fun I opened up to him. I left the lights on and everything. I looked into his eyes. And now, I feel like I never should have taken that step. I shouldn't have let him. I shouldn't have let myself. I'm still going to be friends with him, but I don't know if I can take it. We will have to see. I feel so betrayed. But I guess I deserved it.

An unbelieveable couple of weeks

So I realize that it has been a while since I have posted anything but so much has happened that I cannot not post. I am right now in Florida for a job, and relaxing right now since I have to wake up so early to get started. Before I left for Florida, I went to my first swingers party with some friends of mine. They had taken me out to dinner a few nights before and we had all ended up in the bedroom with me going down on my best friend. I had been wanting to have fun with her for a while and just never had the opportunity until now. They invited me to go out again with them Saturday night before I had to leave, so I did. I had always wanted to go to a party like that but it is never something that I could do on my own. My friends husband had been wanting to fuck me for a while, so this was his opportunity. It was very relaxed and nice. Everyone there was very sweet. I watched a very sexy red head have her pussy eaten right in front of me. Talk about turning me on. My friends husband started playing with my pussy so we went back and he ate me out. It was the first time anyone went down on me in a while. Then him and I had fun. After that I was game to anyone. And just about everyone wanted to get to me. I was the hot commodity for the night. I think I ending up playing with 4 guys, including my friends husband, and I think one girl actually went down on me. It was amazing. I told them all that I would be coming back for sure. There are 2 guys there that I most definitely look forward to seeing again because they were the biggest and the best. I know they say that size doesn't matter, but in this case, it makes a big difference.
I get here to Florida and meet the people that I will be working with and it just so happens that one of the girls is from my same town. She and I got to talking and realized that we are both bi, even though I don't openly admit it. She and I have been hinting at something for a few days, but tonight she came over after everyone else went out to eat. She lays down on her back on my bed and all I can stare at are her tits. She has got size E boobs, amazing and beautiful and all natural. I told her that she was a very tempting woman and all she could say was "What do you mean?" I told her all I want to do is grab her tits and she said she may not object to that. We had a few moments of silence and small talk and then I told her I just couldn't take it. I started playing with her humongous breasts, listening to her moan, and I got one of her nipples in my mouth. She was moaning with her hands in my hair. I started rubbing her pussy through her jeans, listening to her breath heavy. I could only do so much through her jeans. I pulled them off and started rubbing her clit through her panties and then I pulled her panties aside and hit her clit dead on. She has what I call a peek-a-boo clit, the tip of her clit sticks out just a little bit from the hood, really easy to hit. I took her panties off and went to town. I had 2 fingers in her the whole time and there were points where I thought she was going to scream. She had her hands over her mouth for a good portion, her hands entwined in my hair and grabbing the sheets. The only problem now is that I have 3 more days with her before we go back to town and I fly with her the whole way back. I just hope it doesn't get awkward.
The funny thing about all of this, all of the sexual escapades that I have gone on, I still think about you all the time. I miss you and wish you would call me. I sent you an e-mail the other day.
I know that you have a lot going on, but if you don't want to talk to me, just tell me and please don't ignore me. I hate it when I get ignored. I do miss talking to you, I miss it when you would call me to talk, but I realized that the only thing that we ever talked about was Your Love. Now that you don't talk to her as much, you don't talk to me. I still have a lot of things going on, and I felt that I could call you and talk to you about them, but I can't. I feel like you have turned into every other guy that I have ever known and I had hoped that you were different. Maybe I never should have told you how I felt that one day, I don't know. I have been nothing but honest with you, please respect me enough to do the same.
You called me as soon as you landed to ask me what that was all about and then you called me when you got to the hotel and talked to me for about and hour. Most of the time you talked about her, and I realized that I was really right. I miss you a lot. I wish that we could go and do things together and just be around each other but we can't. It bothers me, but I need to let you go. It is so hard that I miss you this much. You are going to get married soon, even though you don't know who it is yet. I could never marry you, but I wish I could be with you. You have already given up on me, so I should just give up on you. I miss you too much to let you go.

Realization that I don't want to be alone

So I have had the kids with me for a while now. Hurt my knee again on Sunday, and realized that day that I am all on my own. I had no one to help me, no one to call. I was bawling, in tears for almost 3 hours from the pain, but it was all me. I finally got a hold of the husbands dad and took the kids, crying the whole way, to their dads to spend the night. I realize that I don't want to be alone. I hate being by myself. I know that this is what I need right now, but at the same time, I don't want this. I want to be with my dear Mr. F. but who knows how that will go. I sent him a text message the other day that asked if he missed me. I asked him yesterday if he ever got it. He said he didn't. But he didn't say that he did miss me, which made me realize that he doesn't. I just wish he would tell me to leave him alone. Then I would have to leave him alone. Then I would be able to ignore him and forget about him. I miss him, a lot. I wish there was more to this than what it is, but I just keep dreaming things up in my head that I want to be there but aren't there. We will see what happens with that.
This guy from my favorite coffee shop hasn't called me or texted me either. I gave him my number almost 2 weeks ago and nothing so...I can only assume that he isn't interested or he is still with his baby momma. Why do people lead me on like this. I get a lead and then there is nothing.
My best friend and her husband are taking me to a swingers party on Saturday night. I have always wanted to go, but I was never in the know with people like that. I am interested to see if anything is going to happen. I will see what does happen and what doesn't happen. She wants me to have a 3 some with her and her husband. I think I am going to do it. I have wanted to have fun with her for a while, but could never approach her about it. She was the one that approached me about it. I am all for it. Her husband isn't all that, but he has cancer and is getting ready to have surgery in a few weeks and he wants to have some fun before he goes in. I think I can handle that. It seems like we would have a lot of fun. She sent me a picture message of her boobs, and I told her it wasn't nice to tease. She said she wasn't teasing, that she was for real. We sent some dirty text messages back and forth for a little bit. It was interesting to get her reactions. She said they had to go fuck because she was so hot. I told her we would have to have fun soon. I hope so. I need some good dick and pussy in the worst way, and I think this is where I am going to get it. Maybe I will meet a FWB at thsi swingers party. I can only hope to be so lucky.

First night as a single mom

So, last night was the first night I had the kids with me all night at my new place. It wasn't terrible, just interesting. I realized that I miss the space of the house. The apartment is small. Not so small as to not allow some space, but no where near as spacious as the house was. We went and bought some Disney videos on good ol' fashioned VHS since I can't afford a DVD player. I skimped and bought them McD's for dinner because I was lazy and didn't feel like cooking. It went ok. We had a bath and it was bedtime. My daughter was down by 8pm and didn't actually fall asleep until about 9pm. My son, on the other hand, just had a terrible night. I almost had him to sleep at 9ish when my upstairs neighbors started moving in. Stomping, running, jumping, all of this. At first I thought it was because My son was crying, but then I realized that they were just moving in. It took him until 10:30ish to fall asleep last night. Had him in his bed and asleep for about 2 hours before I woke up because my daughter was crying. My son had decided to poke her in her sleep and wake her up. So, needless to say, he ended up sleeping in my bed with me. Not how I had planned it, but it wasn't terrible. At least we both got to sleep. Last night just made me realize that I was officially a single mom. There was no man who was going to come and relieve me of my parenting duty at a certain time, I couldn't call anyone and complain about what was going on. It was all me. It is very humbling and kinda scary. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I can say that much, but I know that it definitely has the potential to get worse.
I talked to Dear Mr. F the other day. He was supposed to get back into town on Wednesday, so I called him once at 11ish, I think. Yet again no answer. I texted him at 3 something to ask if he was still alive and he actually called me at 5:30 when he was on his way to teach. It was nice to kinda touch base with him. It was nice to see how things were going. We had an ok conversation. He actually asked me how things were going, and I told him well. I told him I had furniture now, and he said he was happy for me. He told me he was going to be out of town this weekend and that he left Tuesday to teach a class somewhere. I asked him if he would be able to see me before he left. He said that the possibility was pretty slim, but that he might be able to see me the following night. I said okay and left it at that. We ended our conversation on a good note, nothing bad. I got up and went to the movies (Inception, which was pretty awesome) and while I was there I realized that I would have the kids for the next few nights. I called him when I got out, even though he said he would call I knew he wouldn't. I left a very grown up message on his voice mail.
" I know that you said that you may be able to see me tomorrow but I just remembered that I am going to have the kids every night until next Wednesday. Which means that I probably won't be able to see you until you get back. It kinda sucks but it totally understandable. Anyways, Call me whenever you are not busy and I'll talk to you later"
I am very proud of that message. I am starting to separate from him, understanding that he is busy and he does have things going on and that he can't see me. I miss him all the time, I wish I could see him all the time, but it is really up to him. I would marry him in an instant if he asked me. I really would, but I think he has someone else in mind. I wish he would call me like he used to, wish he would text me, tell me how amazing I am, that I am a beautiful, sensuous woman. I miss hearing that from someone, I really do. Maybe there will be something else, someone else who will do that for me. I just wish it was him.

It's official, I am on my own.

Thanks to some wonderful family members who were willing to give me a helping hand, I have officially gotten all the furniture that I need for my apartment. I can have my kids over now when I want them to come over. I can entertain people when I want to have people over. It will be nice. I have thought about you a lot recently, wondering if you would ever come and see me. I don't think you have missed me at all. You leave next week for Fl to teach, but I don't think you will want to see me before you leave. I have missed you but I know that I need to get over you. You called me yesterday morning to see what I needed, and the conversation we proceeded to have was all business. No pleasure or hint of pleasure involved. I would love for you to come over, I really would. I miss going down on you and looking into your eyes, but I realized that that was all we ever had, nothing more. I was the one that made it more complicated than it needed to be. I didn't want it to go that way, but it did. We will see if you ever really will come and see me. I doubt it, but we will see.
I gave my number to the guy at my favorite coffee shop on Monday. I am here now, and we have been chatting off and on since I got here. Sadly, he didn't use my number at all. I don't know if he is interested or if he has someone else and it a player like you are. He doesn't seem like he is a player, but as always, I just have to wait and see. I can't wait to go home tonight. I really can't. I no longer have an apartment, I have home. My home. I love it.
I have thought about my husband a lot yesterday. I miss him, but I know that this is right. I was watching "Meet the Robinsons" with the kids the other day, and I started crying at the end when it played that Rob Thomas song. I remember our son being only a few days old, us sleeping on the old king mattress, and me feeling so happy for having a family and so sad at the same time. It felt like my life was complete but that it wasn't meant to be this way. It made me so sad to think that I will never have that complete feeling anymore. I won't feel that way again. That is why I won't get married again. I can't. I just don't think I have it in me. Someone would have to really love my kids in order to be able to marry me, and I don't see that happening for a while. I guess that is a good thing. Maybe it will teach me a little more independence. I can do this all on my own, I know that I can. I just have to prove to myself that I can.

Finally starting to move ahead.

I haven't heard from you in 2 days. I talked to you for a little bit on Friday. You told me that you were just busy, always busy. That you had a lot going on with being called out to places and classes and whatnot. I told you that it felt that now that you were not all depressed about Your Love you didn't need me as much anymore. You kinda agreed with me. You told me that the whole reason you got divorced was because you were always busy. You keep telling me that you want to get married again. Do you really think that any self-respecting woman is going to allow you to not be there in the marriage? And what if there are kids involved, theirs or yours with them? I wish you luck but it will end up the same way. You will not be there, they will get fed up with you and you and them will split. It will happen. I wish you lots of luck, because you will need it. I wish you would be there for me, but you are not. You are just like every other guy that is out there. I found out this weekend that my husband has been having thoughts of suicide. I am terrified about leaving my kids with him while I am away at training. I am scared for them and worried about him. I wanted to call you. I wanted to vent to you, but I resisted the temptation and left you alone. Not calling you, not texting you, not hearing your voice is really hard for me to do. Harder that I ever thought it would be. But I know it is best for me.
I tried to get a booty call this weekend. Thinking that having useless sex would help me not to think about you. The guy fell through on me. And the girl got cold feet. I just want to not think about you. At all. I have no mistakes in my life, no regrets, but at the same time, part of me wishes that I never texted you, that I had just left my flirting to the classroom and never any more than that. You were so much fun, and it was a lot of fun at first, until it got more serious. The sad thing is that it only got more serious for me, not for you. I miss how it used to be, but that just means that you are over me and and that I need to get over you.
I am talking to this guy at my favorite coffee shop. We have been flirting for a few weeks now. He has been really sweet and I love it when he smiles at me. Maybe he will be the guy to help me move on from you and my husband. I don't know what will happen. I know that I miss you terribly, but I will slowly get over you in time. Time heals all wounds; small, deep and self-inflicted. This is a small, self-inflicted wound that before I even know it will heal and be a distant memory. But like everything else in my life, I am just impatient. I want that time to come now.

I want to be over you

I am having a hard time moving on from you, and there was technically never a thing in the first place. I had to meet you Tuesday to get my dresser. You saw me and told me I looked sexy with my hair the way it was. As I was moving things around in my van to get the dresser in, you told me I have a nice ass. I said "full of compliments today, are we". You told me maybe 2 other times that I looked sexy today. I thanked you, got in my van and left. I called you way more often then I should. I had to meet you the next day to get the money you owed me. You met me in the morning, and told me I looked nice, but there was something that you were hiding from me. You told me that I needed to change my attitude, that I had gotten cocky. Didn't think that it could be because I don't like you being a player, huh? You asked me if I was coming to the wedding, and I shrugged my shoulders. Anyways, you still owe me money, and as soon as I get it, I am done with you. I don't want to call you, I don't want to text you, I don't want to do anything with you. You have lost interest in me, and that is becoming more and more apparent. I sent you a dirty text message last night, just to see if you would call me back. You were teaching your class last night, so I sent "I have been a naughty girl, mr d. I have been thinking dirty thoughts about you. I hope you can imagine me on my knees behind the podium". I thought, for sure, if you were still even remotely interested that you would call me when you got out of class. Nothing. Not a damn thing. I want to be over you in the worst possible way, but quitting you is like a bad habit. You like it to much but you know it is bad for you. I am trying to call you now, to find out when I can get my money, but you won't answer. You never do. You have stopped being there for me, even though you said you would be. You have stopped caring. Now that I have a place of my own, and a job lined up, you feel that you don't need to be there for me as much. You don't call me like you used to. I was the new toy for about 2 weeks, then once you had your way with me, that was it. I became another notch in your belt. You asked me if you could make love to me with the lights on, and I finally got over that fear, but once we did, it is like you lost interest. Did my body scare you off? That is why I don't have sex with the lights on in the first place. I know that I will be a lot better off once you are out of the picture, I just have to get there. I want to be there now, but I miss you too much right now to let go. It will happen soon. I promise. I am at that point where if I don't soon, you will, and I can't have that. I don't need you to leave. I need to leave.